On Being a Twitchy, Sobbing Shell of your Former Self

Hey Girlfrans and (understandably dwindling due to all of the TOTALLY JUSTIFIABLE ranting around here) Boyfrans!

You feelin' a little undone, boo? Cosmos got you overwhelmed and prematurely greying? Join the club, sister. The whole Universe and its ecumenical mother are, like, seismically stressed right now. (Side note: due to my  super-spidery weaving of planetary terms, I think astrostyle should hire me to write sassy horoscopes, thx.) But for reals: this is the time of year when EVERYONE finds herself twitchy, sobbing, and at least one sleeve of Oreos, two paychecks blown at Anthro, and three public meltdowns deep... you feel me? No? Then keep doin' what you're doin', gf. Or read this post. For the rest of us, here's a little bit of  wisdom on dealing with autumnal agitation.

You don't have to totally heal yo'self all at once in a pink Lisa Frankian lightning bolt of sparkly self-love. Here's what I mean: I like to make over the top plans to treat myself like baby-royalty. In a perfect world, I would escape from a maddening day at a reasonable hour and head to hot yoga to work through my kinks (extra salty) pretzel-style; then take myself on a single girl sojourn to marvel at Monet and cry at Klimt; come home, get naked, and prune in a gardenia-scented bubble bath while alternately sipping oolong and champagne before training Elmer to walk on my back. Yeah, yeah - heard it before: I'm all ambition, not a lot of follow through. But let's compromise! In lieu of a full-on yoga class, maybe do a back bend on your exercise ball/desk chair when no one's looking; instead of seeking out high art, it's cool to soak up culture like the rest of us: by rocking out to Brahms on your Ipod while power-walking through Nordstrom Rack; and is your bathtub too disgusting for a human butt to sit in? Take your gin standing up, in your special shower flask! Duh. THAT, friends, is enough. Do what you can to stay sane because worrying about how much more you can do is how you got so flustered in the first place. Along those lines...

Sometimes a good attitude won't do shit. Wait a sec. Is this Jezebel? (#hireme) All I mean is - some of your stress is in your head, but some of it is totally situational and once you get through it, you'll be a-ok. I preach about the power of positive thinking and being your own muse all the damn time because I really, really believe in it: but if you can't smile yourself out of your funkytown, you're not a failure! You're a person. Welcome to the club: I'll make you a button.

You don't have to behave any differently than you're behaving right now, you adorable little psychopath. Did you eat a box of cereal and 6 tequila shots for dinner? Did you snap at a coworker or completely lose it at a friend? Have you neglected to pluck your eyebrows in recent weeks months? You know... some people are heroine addicts. Some people are despicable misers who sit in their thrones from on high and cast daggers at the messy masses below. You are not #theworst. You're just going through something. Here. Listen to this song. Learn the lyrics and repeat - IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

How you doin', love? Let it out. I'm going to eat brownies for breakfast now. Ryan, you're welcome to join me.


Rose TruesdaleComment