The Unicorn Manifesto

By Ben Giles

Dahlings, I don't mean to brag, but I'm, like, the weirdest. Always have been. Always will be... just FYI. And following periods in which my future and I are metaphysically shat upon by The Universe over and over again -- the downswing, if you will -- I tend to spend a lot of time reading about magical peoplemanifesting our dreamiest dreamshigher purposes, etc., because I believe in all of the aforementioned hippie crap. And you should, too. Below, LYFE, as defined by yours truly.

1You can will things to happen. When you take the time to figure out who you are and what you want, and then you ask for what you want, you usually receive it. Consider it a reward for doing the work that comes with self awareness... except:

2. A lot of times it turns out you didn't want what you thought you did ... because you don't actually know anything. As far as I can tell, The Universe doesn't want to make things easy for you. The Universe wants to expose truths -- gradually, and as you grow ready for them. Maybe the closest approximation to a cosmic end goal is a wholly philosophical populace armed with the necessary experience to do and make some game changing stuff. Maybe. But I don't know anything either.

3. Pay attention and The Universe will whisper your purpose to you. When you drain your brain of mental effluvia (i.e. How do I continue to fund my groovy lifestyle? Am I allergic to mangoes? Should an adult woman own more than one bra? Who is Juan Pablo? Etc.), you make room for the aforementioned truth. You could meditate, if that's your jam... but that's just extra. To properly assess what you're supposed to be doing, you have to engage. So I write. And I run and I paint Juggalo cats. And then I process all of my doings - maybe through meditation... but more likely through more writing or in between episodes of The Mindy Project while I simultaneously eat cookies off of my stomach #glamour. There's no right way to live presently and mindfully, but when you find what works for you, things start to make sense. That said, ...

4... We don't have any control. Even if you're the sparkliest, unicorn-y-est person, you're still just a person, and The Universe could squash you at any moment. Sorry guys. BUT there's always a point to the squashing: a major lesson to be learned so that you can best navigate your path, once you've scooped up and reassembled all of your recently flattened unicorn guts. The trick is to keep paying attention, keep doing your thing (Juggalo. Cats.). And once you have an understanding of what your purpose is, you can always come back to it... as long as you don't get distracted.

5. BECAUSE JEALOUSY GIVES YOU METAPHYSICAL PIMPLES. Comparing yourself to others serves only to clog your truth-receiving pores. We're all in this together, and your path is just as valid and necessary as everyone else's. So some people were born with trust funds and Kardashian/West genes and diamond encrusted everything: those people have sh*t to deal with that you've never even considered. Stop worrying about them

6. ... Judgement gives you pimples, too. I get a lot of side eyes. Maybe you wouldn't wear thigh highs to an apple orchard #projecting. That's cool. But when you judge me for my choices, fashion or otherwise, you've lost your path. You're off-roading, basically, but it's not fun if YOU'RE not fun, you know? Joy comes from within, and wiggly, amorphous blobs like myself can hold, like, way more joy than squares can.

Biddies, tell me your manifestos! How do you find meaning in this lovely mess? This is either the start of a wholly enlightening conversation or a super scary cult, and I would just like to say that I am unwilling to shave my head at this juncture.


Rose TruesdaleComment